"It is a joy to be hidden," said D. W. Winnicott, "but a disaster not to be found." Attention means that we are noticed, that our words, feelings, and experiences are heard. It is the opposite of being ignored, of feeling invisible in our own homes. Attention communicates respect and interest. It requires looking and listening. As Oscar Wilde once said, "Any duck can hear what I say, but only a person can listen to me."

When you give your spouse attention, you are saying that they matter. As one newlywed said to a counselor, "I've realized that when they say 'marriage takes work,' the real 'work' of marriage is a constant battle against selfishness." Fighting to be unselfish will make us more attentive.